Vin Diesel [hilarious] facts

For those of you who haven't heard of the Chuck Norris, Mr. T, or Vin Diesel "facts" jokes that have been circulating the internet for years now, I'd say now is a great time!

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Vin Diesel and forgot to pay him back.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.

Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

When Vin Diesel deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

Vin Diesel wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

When Vin Diesel gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

Vin Diesel has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

Vin Diesel sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

Vin Diesel's orgasm leaves an exit wound.

Dairy Queen used to be Dairy King before Vin Diesel made it his bitch.

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to Vin Diesel."

Vin Diesel is the only one who can "try this at home."

Vin Diesel doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

All of Vin Diesel's genes are dominant.

When Vin Diesel put on the One Ring, the Nazgul just said, "Fuck it."

Vin Diesel once met Fabio on the street. Vin burst into laughter, Fabio burst into tears, and every passing car burst into flames.

If you are within one mile of Vin Diesel and you drop your toast, it will always land butter side up. Always.

Vin Diesel once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Vin Diesel's blood type is WD-40

When Vin Diesel talks about "pumping iron," he's actually referring to masturbation.

Vin Diesel became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

Vin Diesel can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

Getting murdered by Vin Diesel counts as a natural cause of death.

Vin Diesel actually has hair, but it's beauty is too great for mortal men to behold. As such, he appears bald to all but the purest of heart.

Vin Diesel invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

When he was nine, Vin Diesel dressed as himself to go trick-or-treating. He came home with a bag full of candy, a bag full of miniature liquor bottles, an Irish Setter, and two underage prostitutes carrying more of his candy.

Circles exist because Vin Diesel beat the crap out of some squares.

Nobody appreciates pacifism more than Vin Diesel, and if you don't believe him, he'll tear your kidneys out. Nobody appreciates irony more than Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase "Pardon my French" after picking up a French man and using him like a bat to club people.

Vin Diesel is the SI unit used to measure fear.

Vin Diesel survived abortion.

Vin Diesel was originally cast as Aragorn in Lord of the Rings. He was fired for eating the Hobbits between takes and making Orlando Bloom his bitch.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Only once has Vin Diesel ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

Vin Diesel can simply walk into Mordor.

Vin Diesel beat Ray Charles in a staring contest.

Vin Diesel can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

The book "Wost Case Scenario," discusses ways to run from many different deadly animals. The page entitled "Running from Vin Diesel" simply says "Good luck."

Onions do not make Vin Diesel cry. Vin Diesel makes onions shit themselves.

If Vin Diesel was an ice cream flavor, he'd be Mint I'll-Smash-Your-Face-In-With-A-Shovel.

Santa Claus actually did exist until he forgot to give Vin Diesel the entire Hardy Boys collection series for Christmas.

Vin Diesel defied MC Hammer and touched it.

Vin Diesel takes the phrase "Breakfast of Champions" literally. He once ate Tiger Woods, Wayne Gretzky, and Russel Crowe in one meal.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

There is intelligent life in the universe, but they have not contacted Earth because they are avoiding Vin Diesel.

When Vin Diesel plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

Weeping Willows are a result of Vin Diesel yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

Vin Diesel irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

Vin Diesel's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Vin Diesel doesn't use sunblock; the sun wears Vinblock.

The gaping hole in the Periodic Table of Elements once contained all of the elements used to create Vin Diesel. The government omitted these elements in future publications of the Table out of fear that rival nations could make their own Vin Diesel.

If Vin Diesel fell in the forest, and no one was watching, it would sound like Beethoven's Ninth. If he fell in the forest, and someone was watching, he would beat that guy to a bloody pulp. But the screams of agony would still sound like Beethoven's Ninth.

Vin Diesel accidently invented the sport of jousting when he went horseback riding in the middle ages with an erection.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach Vin Diesel to fish and he will rid the ocean of all perceivable life forms.

And on the Eighth day, God created Vin Diesel...and ran the fuck away in fear of what he had done.

If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under Vin Diesel.

Leap years are caused by Vin Diesel holding the earth back from rotating.

Vin Diesel nearly made it to the final table of the 1988 World Series of Poker. Which may not sound like much, but was impressive considering he thought they were playing Go Fish.

Vin Diesel was about to destroy all of N*Sync, but stopped because he doesn't hurt women.

Vin Diesel is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

Vin Diesel's hair is too afraid of him to grow.

Vin Diesel invented the Swiss Army Knife then founded Switzerland so that there would be an army to use it.

...Phew! I think you're probably sick of these by now, as am I. But until the last dozen, these were freakin' hilarious!