Vin Diesel [hilarious] facts

For those of you who haven't heard of the Chuck Norris, Mr. T, or Vin Diesel "facts" jokes that have been circulating the internet for years now, I'd say now is a great time!

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Vin Diesel and forgot to pay him back.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.

Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

When Vin Diesel deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

Vin Diesel wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

When Vin Diesel gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

Vin Diesel has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

Vin Diesel sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

Vin Diesel's orgasm leaves an exit wound.

Dairy Queen used to be Dairy King before Vin Diesel made it his bitch.

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to Vin Diesel."

Vin Diesel is the only one who can "try this at home."

Vin Diesel doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

All of Vin Diesel's genes are dominant.

When Vin Diesel put on the One Ring, the Nazgul just said, "Fuck it."

Vin Diesel once met Fabio on the street. Vin burst into laughter, Fabio burst into tears, and every passing car burst into flames.

If you are within one mile of Vin Diesel and you drop your toast, it will always land butter side up. Always.

Vin Diesel once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Vin Diesel's blood type is WD-40

When Vin Diesel talks about "pumping iron," he's actually referring to masturbation.

Vin Diesel became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

Vin Diesel can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

Getting murdered by Vin Diesel counts as a natural cause of death.

Vin Diesel actually has hair, but it's beauty is too great for mortal men to behold. As such, he appears bald to all but the purest of heart.

Vin Diesel invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

When he was nine, Vin Diesel dressed as himself to go trick-or-treating. He came home with a bag full of candy, a bag full of miniature liquor bottles, an Irish Setter, and two underage prostitutes carrying more of his candy.

Circles exist because Vin Diesel beat the crap out of some squares.

Nobody appreciates pacifism more than Vin Diesel, and if you don't believe him, he'll tear your kidneys out. Nobody appreciates irony more than Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase "Pardon my French" after picking up a French man and using him like a bat to club people.

Vin Diesel is the SI unit used to measure fear.

Vin Diesel survived abortion.

Vin Diesel was originally cast as Aragorn in Lord of the Rings. He was fired for eating the Hobbits between takes and making Orlando Bloom his bitch.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Only once has Vin Diesel ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

Vin Diesel can simply walk into Mordor.

Vin Diesel beat Ray Charles in a staring contest.

Vin Diesel can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

The book "Wost Case Scenario," discusses ways to run from many different deadly animals. The page entitled "Running from Vin Diesel" simply says "Good luck."

Onions do not make Vin Diesel cry. Vin Diesel makes onions shit themselves.

If Vin Diesel was an ice cream flavor, he'd be Mint I'll-Smash-Your-Face-In-With-A-Shovel.

Santa Claus actually did exist until he forgot to give Vin Diesel the entire Hardy Boys collection series for Christmas.

Vin Diesel defied MC Hammer and touched it.

Vin Diesel takes the phrase "Breakfast of Champions" literally. He once ate Tiger Woods, Wayne Gretzky, and Russel Crowe in one meal.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

There is intelligent life in the universe, but they have not contacted Earth because they are avoiding Vin Diesel.

When Vin Diesel plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

Weeping Willows are a result of Vin Diesel yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

Vin Diesel irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

Vin Diesel's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Vin Diesel doesn't use sunblock; the sun wears Vinblock.

The gaping hole in the Periodic Table of Elements once contained all of the elements used to create Vin Diesel. The government omitted these elements in future publications of the Table out of fear that rival nations could make their own Vin Diesel.

If Vin Diesel fell in the forest, and no one was watching, it would sound like Beethoven's Ninth. If he fell in the forest, and someone was watching, he would beat that guy to a bloody pulp. But the screams of agony would still sound like Beethoven's Ninth.

Vin Diesel accidently invented the sport of jousting when he went horseback riding in the middle ages with an erection.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach Vin Diesel to fish and he will rid the ocean of all perceivable life forms.

And on the Eighth day, God created Vin Diesel...and ran the fuck away in fear of what he had done.

If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under Vin Diesel.

Leap years are caused by Vin Diesel holding the earth back from rotating.

Vin Diesel nearly made it to the final table of the 1988 World Series of Poker. Which may not sound like much, but was impressive considering he thought they were playing Go Fish.

Vin Diesel was about to destroy all of N*Sync, but stopped because he doesn't hurt women.

Vin Diesel is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

Vin Diesel's hair is too afraid of him to grow.

Vin Diesel invented the Swiss Army Knife then founded Switzerland so that there would be an army to use it.

...Phew! I think you're probably sick of these by now, as am I. But until the last dozen, these were freakin' hilarious!

Road Work

"NIGHTLY LANE CLOSURES. EXPECT DELAYS."

Well, I sure would think it was kind of them to give me that heads up...if it wasn't already a MILE past where the lane closure began! I was driving home from Greely last night, and happened upon one of the state's notorious highway construction projects. I'm just glad I wasn't in a hurry, because nobody except state employees (maybe) would have known to prepare for said delays!

What makes this situation really awesome (ridiculous) is that the right lane was closed for at least TWO MILES before I even *saw* police or construction vehicles. Then, when I finally got to where the construction was being done, the majority of the vehicles were OFF THE SIDE OF THE ROAD! There were maybe two trucks in the closed lane and a guy with a "slow" sign. That's another part I can't freaking believe. The last posted speed limit was between 45 and 55, but they stick this guy next to the cones with a goddamned "SLOW" sign! Seriously?!

You may be thinking "well they have to close that extra three miles so that they can traverse that entire 'workspace' without hassle, over the course of the night". And, yes you're right to a degree. But do they really spend at least an hour, driving incredibly slowly, placing those 3 miles of road cones one by one, before they even get started? Yes, they sure as shit do. Would it be more efficient to close as they go? Yes, it sure as shit would.

Now, you might be thinking, "So, in the end, we're paying a portion of our hard-earned money so that we can be inconvenienced nightly, and further lose our faith in the brainpower of society?"
Well, I'm thinking the same thing.

Yesterday the neighbors raised a ruckus...

It sounded like the entire apartment above mine was going to come smashing through the ceiling. I have no idea what they were doing up there. I do know, however, that the tenants are 2 guys, and a medium-sized dog. Not that current legislation would allow a dog to be filed under the literal definition of "tenant", but she definitely resides with the upstairs neighbors. And her name is Siren. Cool name for a dog right?
...Now leaving Tangent Town.
Anyway, I suppose that the logical move would have been to wander up there and ask them what the hell was causing all the sleep-depriving noise, but I felt like fighting fire with fire. So, I threw a phone book at the ceiling. They stopped for a little while, but only for a little while. Luckily I had reason to go out after that, and was bothered no longer. I'm still not sure what they were doing upstairs, and I'm also not sure if I'll ever actually go up there and find out. I am sure, though, (based on experience) that they will not hesitate to make excessive amounts of noise again very soon. The only question following is this: What will I throw at the ceiling next time?


Next, I have some information which should prove useful to absolutely no one. A few days back, I witnessed an impromptu street race between an 1980-something Oldsmobile and a 1990-something Ford Explorer. Just in case anyone is curious, neither of them won. It was literally a tie by the time the next stop light rolled around. I hope that Explorer, and Oldsmobile, drivers will keep in mind this free information about the true performance capabilities of your vehicles.


I would also like to add that I am currently a disgruntled owner of pajamas. I really want to have more sleep pants, and whatnot, but I really don't enjoy wearing them to sleep. Isn't it weird how we say things like that? "wearing them *to* sleep" As though sleep is a destination...like Las Vegas or something.

...I wouldn't want to wear pajamas to Las Vegas either.

More on Mr. Danielewski

So, to deliver those further meditations on House of leaves, as I said I would in the bookstore's blog, I have decided that Mark Z. Danielewski is also like "The Joker". Nothing in his work is ever "that" simple. That said, when one considers the house on Ash Tree Lane, it would seem that even this most disturbing impossibility of a situation is even deeper than illustrated. Perhaps it has to do with the constant filming, and cameras. The Media? Big Brother? Sentience of Machines? Obviously the place is more than just a simple haunted house. But, what it is, and what it becomes...well, questions the nature of even the word "it". The idea alone would have made the book unlike any other, but Danielewski had to go about a thousand miles further and create a masterpiece which physically (in layout, ink, binding, etc.) contained all the vicissitudes of the story itself.
Maybe that place is where the paranormal, love, agony, improbability, karma, darkness and space all converge, whether by accident or some universal necessity.
Take also his commentary-from the perspective of critics, on his own writing, about the film he made up-on Navidson's alleged "bad acting" in the very beginning of the film. Will Navidson was chided by a particular critic for making it seem like he had no idea what was to happen in that house. So, rather unsettlingly, the story began with a family starting over, relishing in their newfound serenity and happiness, completely oblivious to the madness waiting within. This is amazing mainly because that story template is utterly common and predictable. I then guessed that Danielewski must have been using that particular voice's (in-book critic) commentary for the dual purpose of conveying that this template is used all too often in literature & film, and to rather criticize his own use of the standard. However, doing so almost negates his own use of it, and in a very clever way.
These moments in House of Leaves are ones that tell me, without a doubt, just how brilliant Mark Z. Danielewski is. As I finish the book, I'm sure I'll have more to say about it, and I'm sure people will roll their eyes.

"Metatron:...The one who speaks - and he will, at great lengths, whether you want him to or not - will make mention of himself as a prophet."

Think about your country

I'm posting lyrics to a song by albino rapper, Brother Ali. In his own words he is neither black nor white: "So they ask me if I'm black or white, I'm neither
Race is a made up thing I don't believe in it
My genes tie me to those that despised me
Made a living killing the ones that inspired me".
Anyway, onto the original purpose of this post. I suppose your eyes don't *need* to be opened, but I implore you to analyze the world around you, and think for yourself. Believe whatever you want, but do not be foolishly led by fools.

Uncle Sam Goddamn - by Brother Ali

Welcome to the united snakes
Land of the thief, home of the slave
Grand imperial guard where the dollar is sacred

Come on lets do this shit for real now

Smoke and mirrors, stripes and stars
Stoner for the cross in the name of god
Bloodshed, genocide, rape and fraud
Written to the pages of the law, good lord

The (inaudible) and latch key child
Ran away one day and started acting vile
King of where the wild things are, daddy's proud
Cause the roman empire done passed it down

Imported and tortured the work force
They never healed the wounds or shook the curse off
Now the grown up goliath nation
Holdin' open auditions for the part of david, can you feel?

Nothing can save you, you question the rain
You get rushed in and chained up
fists raised but I must be insane
Cause I cant figure a single goddamn way to change it

Welcome to the united snakes
Land of the thief, home of the slave
Grant imperial guard where the dollar is sacred
And power is god

Welcome to the united snakes
Land of the thief, home of the slave
Grant imperial guard where the dollar is sacred
And power is god

We all must bow to the fact were lazy
The fuck you obey me and why do you hate me
Only two generations away from the
World's most despicable slavery trade

Pioneered so many ways to degrade a human being
That it can't be chains to this day
Legacy so ingrained in the way that we think
We don't need to wear chains to be slaves

Lord that's a sinful display
The overseers even got raped along the way
Cause the children can't escape from the pain
And they're born with the pores and this hatred in their veins

Try and separate a man from his soul
You'll only strengthen him and lose your own
Well shoot that fucker if he walk near the throne
Remind him that this is my home (now I'm gone)

Welcome to the united snakes
Land of the thief, home of the slave
Grant imperial guard where the dollar is sacred
And power is god

Welcome to the united snakes
Land of the thief, home of the slave
Grant imperial guard where the dollar is sacred

Hold up, gimme one right here

You don't give money to the bums
On the corner with a sign, bleeding from their gums
Talkin' 'bout you don't support a crackhead
What you think happens to the money from yo' taxes

Shit the government's an addict
With a billion dollar a week kill brown people habit
And even if you ain't on the front line
When the master yell crunch time you right back at it

You ain't look at how you hustling backwards
And the end of the year add up what they subtracted
3 outta twelve months your salary
Paid for that madness, man that's sadness

What's left get a big ass plasma
To see where they made Dan Rather point the damn camera
Only approved questions get answered
Now stand your ass up for that national anthem

Welcome to the united snakes
Land of the thief, home of the slave
Grant imperial guard where the dollar is sacred
And power is god

Welcome to the united snakes
Land of the thief, home of the slave
Grant imperial guard where the dollar is sacred
And power is god

[instrumental break]

Custom made, the consumer news
Keep saying we're free
But were all just blue